The Surreal World of Knowing the end is Coming - and What it Really Means

Monday, August 25, 2008

The surreal world of knowing the end is coming - and what it really means

While at home, I spent hours upon hours talking to both my dad and sister on the phone and relaying information from my moms doctors back and forth. My dad and sister have a very basic and "sheltered" view of life and really didn't want to hear too much information. I had to translate what the doctors had told me and kind of candy coat it for them, while at the same time dealing with my own internal feelings with the whole situation.

I remember my dad calling me one morning from the hospital freaking out. He said my mom thought he was against her and was in an evil plot against her with the Hospice nurse. My mom had begun to become paranoid and was having her own hallucinations associated with the whole end of life process. I remember trying to explain to my dad that this was normal and she really didn't think that. It was another one of those hard conversations I had to get through to be the "man of the family" and support my dad and sister. They still never really understood. It was this point where I remember the Hospice nurse had given us a book on the end of life process and the different stages of dying. I told my dad that he needed to read it to understand what my mom was going through. He resisted and was afraid to read it.

Going back in history a little... Growing up, I was raised to be responsible. I had to do the chores in the house, clean up after myself and when I got into trouble, I was held accountable. When young, I lived in fear of the dreaded wooden spoon that my mom would use to spank me if I got into trouble. Later on, the fear turned to the yard stick... You get the idea. I have no regrets about how I was raised and how it made me turn out as an adult. I think my parents did just about everything right in my upbringing as I feel I am a successful and responsible adult. My sister on the other hand - that's another story. She was raised with the "can't do anything wrong" type of upbringing. I remember watching her do things that broke the rules and was never held accountable. She got away with everything and she knew it. My mom was more of the disciplinarian with her and did hold her accountable on occasion, but my dad would never discipline her. Needless to say, as a young person (five years older than my sister), I had a lot of resentment for her. All through high school, I remember not speaking to her or wanting to be in the same room with her at all. This relationship was finally repaired after I left for college. We actually became very close and she would come over and visit me at college for days at a time. On another note, however, my sister did not turn out quite as good as I did. She barely graduated from high school, had no ambition for college, and lived at home for several years after high school. She hung out with the stoners and smoked pot a lot - something I had never touched... Moving on to my dad - he was always different. He was a very like-able guy and always had friends, but he was very goofy. He was scatterbrained and had a hard time keeping his thoughts in one direction. He had childhood polio when he was young and spent 18 months in an iron lung before the polio vaccine was discovered. I don't know if this caused him to have some mental defects or not, but I sometimes wonder what was going on with him... Looking back now, I can completely see that my dad thought of my little sister as a princess that gave him comfort and my mom as the rock of the family that kept everything together. My mom was an amazing cook that cooked dinner every night, cleaned the house, did the banking, did the laundry, etc. My dad and sister were completely spoiled by my mom and never really developed a sense of how to take care of themselves. Yea - my dad took care of himself before he met my mom, but at this point, they had been married for 39 years, so he had completely forgotten everything. Back when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer, my wife had a talk with both of my parents and told them that my mom had to start teaching my dad how to do the laundry and how to manage the finances. My dad freaked out and ignored it... Toward the end, my mom finally did teach him how to do the laundry... But as I move on through this story, I specifically remember asking my mom financial questions and she would tell me that she'd show me later...

After spending several days at home and going to work to catch up on all of the important things I had been missing, I really needed to get back to help my dad and sister out. I kept forgetting my sister had a baby now that wasn't older than a week or two. While at work in the middle of the week, I decided I needed to email my aunt that was married to my uncle (my moms brother). He had died several years earlier of lung cancer and her and my mom remained close throughout her own cancer treatment. I emailed her on September 12th and let her know about the terminal condition my mom was in. Within the next day, she had called me at work. It was the first time during this whole process that I really broke down while talking to someone... and it was at work!

She said she was going to drive to the hospital and see my mom. She and I talked after and she volunteered to help out the family with taking care of my mom if she were to make it back home under Hospice care. I thanked her and could not be more grateful for even the offer.

Needless to say, I ended up packing up my bags once again because we found out on Thursday, September 13th, that my mom would be discharged to her house over two hours away the next day. Because my dad was staying with my sister, I needed to arrange to meet with the medical supply people at their house to help set up my moms bed and other supplies.

I left home early in the morning on the 14th and started my almost four hour drive to my parents house again. All I can remember of this drive was the fog my head was in. I was in another world and wondering if I'd have the strength to get through what I was about to go through. I have never been a real religious person, but I can now tell where people call on higher powers for strength and guidance. I remember breaking down at one point and praying that I could make it through this. After a few minutes, I remember feeling a warmth around me and got a surge in energy that motivated me to continue on with my drive - really amazing!

When I got to my parents house, I needed to clear out the family room for where we would be putting her bed. I remember my head filled with memories of growing up there. Actually - my mom had grown up in the same house as well, so it was perfect that she was coming home to finish out her life. I had a sense of relief about me that I had never had before during this process. As I had said earlier, there was an option to have her stay at the palipative care center next to the hospital. I was highly in favor of this so we could transfer the responsibility of caring for her off of me and the rest of the family. At this point, however, I was happy with the decision to bring her home.

I spent a couple of hours cleaning the house up and waiting for the medical supply van to pull up. When it did, they delivered a bed, oxygen machine, oxygen cylinders, and various other supplies. He gave me instructions on how to run everything and how all of the settings worked on the bed, the oxygen machine, and the rest of the supplies.

Since it was a Friday, I began to worry that my mom would not get home in time to have a hospice nurse meet us. I was under the impression that hospice would be here during most of the time. After calling the local hospice agency, I was floored to find out that they only come out a couple of times per week and that we could call anytime to an advise nurse. It wasn't a huge deal, but here I was again, feeling like I had to take on the whole thing on my own.

Finally, at around 4:00pm, I got the call from my dad that the ambulance was in town and they were about 15 minutes away. My dad was in his car following the ambulance and my aunt was behind them. My aunt had met my dad in the hospital and helped him get my mom discharged and into the ambulance. What a lifesaver!

When the ambulance pulled in, I felt a sense of fear and relief. I was afraid of what we were about to go through and I was relieved for my mom to be finally home where she wanted to be. I just knew we had made the right decision and were able to fulfill one of my moms last wishes.

When the back door of the ambulance opened, I saw her laying there with her oxygen tube in her nose and saw her face light up for the first time in weeks. She was happy to be home and was relieved to be where she was comfortable. The ambulance attendants helped bring my mom to the bed that I had set up in the family room and I turned the oxygen machine on and helped get her all set up.

By this time, it was late in the afternoon and I had yet to hear back from hospice. I put another call in and was finally able to talk to someone. I let them know that my mom had arrived and they give me the whole rundown on the program. They let me know more about how my mom would only get visited once or twice a week by a registered nurse and once or twice a week by a nurses aide that would be able to bathe her and get her cleaned up. They said someone would be by on Monday to do the initial intake on my mom... I know it isn't a big deal now, but I remember being very upset that I had to wait three more days to finally see someone in the home that would be able to help us with my mom.

I got a call later that night from the nurse that was assigned to my mom and she said she knew my mom and she lived about 10 minutes away. She said she would be by the next day to do her initial assessment of my mom. What a relief. Although we had my aunt and sister there, I was still overwhelmed at the thought of taking care of my mom in such grave condition.

Having a wife that its a registered nurse, and myself having quite a broad range of expereince in working in the medical field, I volunteered for the task of setting up her medication schedule. She was discharged from the hospital with a large variety of medications to help her be comfortable. She had mostly oral medications that either had to be crushed or were already in liquid form. My dad had grown used to crushing medication over the past couple of months because of my moms throat and not being able to swallow too well. I worked with my dad to explain to him why and how each medication should be administered. I found out at this time (though I did have my suspiscious) that my dad really didn't like to use any medication whatsoever. Both of my parents were always in the school of thought that taking pills was a bad thing. They really didn't realize that those pills were there to help and would not do any harm.

It seems that it took me several days to finally get my dad convinced that the medications were good and that we needed to make mom as comfortable as possible. He said he agreed with what we were trying to do, but I still think he wasn't in agreement with me and that he was only pacifying me. During this whole time, my sister, who is a licensed pharmacy technician, knew everything about all the pills, but still didn't support me in ensuring that the medications were administered at the right doses/levels. Talk about frustrating! If it wasn't for my aunt, I really think I would have had a much harder time in dealing with the whole medication administration. She was behind me and worked with me really well. To this day, I am still very thankful to have had her by my side and with my family during this difficult time.

At around 7:00pm, my dad got a call from my parent's lifelong best friends. They were on a camping trip almost six hours away and said they had just pulled into town to see us!!! My dad immediately broke down crying. What a nice gesture for their friends to sacrifice their camping trip and drive for such a long distance to see us! They said they were staying in a hotel room in town and would be up in the morning.

That night, I slept outside in my parents travel trailer. My sister and her husband and newborn baby slept upstairs in my old room. It was a nice break to get outside of the house and get some fresh air and be by myself. I was able to call home to my wife and daughter to check in on them and let my wife know the latest news on the drama.

The next morning, I remember coming into the house and seeing my mom sitting up in her bed and was drinking a glass of cola. It was the first thing I had seen her drink or even take into her body in a very long time! She was pretty coherent and was very happy to be home. I still remember the sound of joy she would make as she was drinking her soda. She did spend most of the time sleeping, but when she was awake, I tried to spend every single minute I could with her and help her in any way I could. When she did wake up, she said she only wanted cola. I gave her a glass of coke with a straw in it and she drank almost the whole thing! It really made me feel good to give her something that made her happy.

It was funny how things can be put into perspective. Because my mom wasn't really taking in much fluids or solids, her breath was quite foul smelling. She was sent home from the hospital with some disposable mouth swabs. They looked like a lollipop stick wtih a green sponge on the end. The sponge was dipped into a glass of water and she put it into her mouth. She ran the green sponge all around her gums, on her tongue and loved every minute of it. Besides her drinking cola, this was another one of the simple things that really brought her joy. She was extatic to have something so simple be able to bring her so much happiness. Those sounds of pleasure that she made will live with me forever. It really did help me know that bringing her home was the right thing to do.

Later that morning, my parents friends pulled into the driveway. These people are the most amazing people I have ever met in my life - besides my own parents. The wife walked to my moms bed and knelt down besides her and began talking to her. I was overjoyed with the sight of how she was talking to my mom. I remember her telling my mom that she didn't have to be in pain anymore and that she could let go and be in a much better place. She kept repeating this and I remember breaking down and had to leave the house to give them more privacy.

After she talked to my mom for a while, she took me outside to see how I was doing. We had a great talk, from what I can remember. It was a tough talk, but one that I needed to have. She let me know the importance of needing to keep this whole experience balanced and that we couldn't all be there for each other the whole time. She reminded me that I needed to take turns with my sister and that we would all get burned out if we were there 24 hours per day. I agreed and decided that my sister would probably not be going anywhere anytime soon and that I should probably take a break for a few days and head home.

I left several hours later and found out that my parents friends had left not too long after me. They were apparently camping with some other friends and left them there - six hours away! They did need to get back. It was more of a trip for them to come pay their respects to my mom and say their goodbye's and give my dad some moral support.

My sister and her husband were able to spend the entire time up with my mom and dad. It was a very bittersweet time for them. Here was my sister with a brand new baby that she had to learn to take care of and on the other hand, she was having to take care of my mom who was completely unable to care for herself for the first time in her life. I really felt bad and knew of nothing to do to help console my sister, for it was tough for all of us. I think I was worried most about her during this entire time, as she was always the one that seemed to have the least amount of coping skills. Being the daddy's girl, she was always not as able to take as good of care of herself than anybody else. Looking back, I think it was the lack of expectations that were laid out in front of her... but that's a whole other story.

I spent the next few days at home with my family and at work. It was a good few days, but knew I needed to get back to see my mom and help again very soon. During this whole last month, my daughter had just started kindergarten and my wife was working part time, so they had not been able to come over to see my mom and help out at all. I decided I would head over on Wednesday and my wife would follow over on Thursday after my daughter got out of school so she only had to miss one day.

Brief background on my wife. She is a registered nurse and has a much different view of the world than me or my family does. She worked in a trauma ICU in a trauma center for a couple of years and had seen a lot of death. Her different view on death was a very good thing, looking back, and I knew that my mom wouldn't be with us much longer.

I remember my wife walking into the house and looked at my mom for the first time in a couple of months. My mom was sleeping, so my wife just walked right past her and up the stairs to our bedroom. I followed my wife to say hello and she turned around and was in tears. She said she didn't know that my mom was in such bad condition and that it just caught her off guard to see her like that. After seeing her laying there without her wig, everything had sunk in for her. My wife and mom were pretty close and my wife shared a lot of her feelings with her over the years, so there was a special bond there. I remember telling my wife it was okay and I was at peace with everything. My daughter, being four years old, on the other hand, was oblivious to everything. She hugged my mom and held her hand a couple of times and only asked me once or twice why grandma's hair was so short. I remember telling her that it was because she was hot and that she cut it short to stay cool.

That night, my aunt took the night off because my wife was there. She went home and my dad took his turn to sleep on the couch out by my mom to help with administering her medication throughout the night. My wife and daughter decided to sleep in my parents room that night to be close if my dad needed help in the middle of the night.

Fortunately, the night went well and my dad only had to get up a few times to give my mom her pain medication. It was a nice night sleep and I was finally sleeping with my wife and daughter and I was together with everybody that I loved most in the world.

The next day was a long, nice day. I know I've mentioned this before, but it was one of the best and worst days I have ever had in my life. It was a Friday and we were all gathered in the house talking and reminiscing about my mom. We were laughing a lot and crying a lot. It was a really special day that I will never forget.

My mom was definitely in her final hours. She was more or less out of conscious most of the day and woke only a couple of times. She was very "out of it" and not very coherent with anything. When she did wake, she only wanted her "mouth swabs" to moisten her mouth. I remember telling her that I loved her and my sister did the same. My wife and daughter both got to spend a few moments with her and we all got some good time in.

As the late morning progressed, she slipped off into a very deep sleep. Her breathing became very slow and she was making a very loud noise when breathing. I think the books I was reading called this the "death rattle." It was a very eerie sound that I wish never again to hear. We were becoming concerned that she was in pain, as the sound was really horrible, so we called in hospice to do an assessment on her.

When the hospice nurse arrived, she did took my moms vitals, which she kind of woke up for a second, but fell asleep again. When she took the vitals, she was able to position my mom in a way that made her breathing less labored and much quieter. This was a relief, as that sound was making all of us more on edge than anything. Listening to that noise was probably the worst thing I had ever heard.

The nurse finished and then took us together and told us that my moms vitals were slipping and from her experience, we probably didn't have much longer before she left us. Besides her slowed respirations, her blood pressure had dropped to the lowest it had ever been. This moment was one that I both felt relief for and an intense terror. Here I was - 34 years old, but still felt like I was 16 or 17 and still needing guidance and I was going to lose that guidance I had relied on for so many years. It was a this point that things really started to set in.

The family was all together and we all cried and reassured each other that we would all be fine and that everything my mom had been through over the past several years were going to come to a peaceful end. It was at this point that "autopilot" kicked back in and we all began to do what we needed to do. I told my dad to do what he needed to do and that my wife and I would take care of some phone calls. First off, no final arrangements had been made yet. This is something we had never really though of until now. This was my wife's chance to do what she does best - get stuff done! She got on the phone and called several of the areas mortuary's and got some pricing on taking care of my mom after she left us. My mom (and the rest of the family) has always made it clear that she wanted to be cremated.

After calling a few places, my wife settled on a place that was the next town south. Their rates were much cheaper and they said they could be called at any time to pick her up. They were very kind and reassuring. My wife gave them a credit card number and that was all we needed to do. It was this simple thing that made me even happier to have my fmaily with me. That was one of those phone calls that I really think I could not have done. Who wants to make a phone call like that before the person has even passed? Looking back on it, I am very glad we did take care of it before, but at the time it just seemed a little morbid.

The rest of the day, we left my mom alone out in the family room while the rest of us gathered in the living room to talk about mom and really just be there for each other. We all let our emotions show and were closer than I think we had ever been. Oh - and then there was my new niece that was just over two weeks old. What a little bundle of joy she was. There is nothing like a baby to lift the spirits of the room to make you realize just how prescious the circle of life really is. I know we could have all gotten through this, but having the baby there was just that extra kick that we needed to brighten everything up.

Welcoming the End

As the day progressed, my mom's breathing became more and more labored and intermittent. Sometimes it seemed that her breathing would stop for 20 seconds at a time before she would take another breath. Not only was the sound horrible, but her head would jerk when she would take in a breath. Still a very disturbing picture in my head.

Now, I'm not a very religious person, but one of the next things that happened just seemed too much of a coincidence.

The afternoon was partially cloudy, and I think there may have even been some rain. The time was around 4 or 5 in the afternoon and the clouds began to part. The next thing I know, the entire house seemed to be filled with a golden yellow light entering from all of the windows. I looked outside and all I could see was just this light that was almost breathtaking. It seemed to only encircle our house and didn't seem to go much further out. I really wish I would have taken the moment in a little more, but I was taking my daughter upstairs for a bath and was mostly focused at that task at hand. I later talked to my aunt and sister and they both mentioned the same light that I saw and thought it was amazing.

Looking back, I truly believe that this light was when my moms spirit left her body and the light was the heaven's opening up. From the moment on after the light we saw, I remember my mom's breathing had only gotten worse. I still believe that her body was just shutting itself down after losing the spirit and that there was absolutely nothing else we could do.

That night, before we went to bed, I leaned over my moms bed and whispered to her how much I loved her and said my last goodbye's. It was actually much easier and I felt more at peace than I ever thought I would. We slept out in the travel trailer that night, as my aunt took the duty of sleeping on the couch next to my mom and my dad slept in his own room.

Before we went to bed, I agreed to have my wife wake up before me to go into the house. Throughout the whole fight with cancer over the past several years, my mom had alwasys prided herself in looking good for me and never took her wig off for me. Only in the past couple of weeks did she have her wig off and I know she wasn't of sound mind to think otherwise. If she had passed in her sleep, I didn't want to go in and see her. I had said my goodbye's the night before and I was at peace with my decision.

When my wife woke in the morning, she went into the house and told me she would call me on my cell phone to let me know what was going on. When she came in, she woke my aunt up and they checked on my mom. She had passed in the night. My wife, sister, dad, aunt and brother-in-law all were in the house and I was in the trailer with my daughter and told her the news.

A few minutes later, my dad and sister came outside to see me outside of the trailer. We all stood in a circle and had a big group hug. My sister seemed to be handling everything quite well and my dad was as well. We were all at peace with everything and were surprisingly calm. It is weird how this whole event had actually brought us closer together.

I went back in to the travel trailer to be with my daughter and wait for the morturary to come pick up my mom. They only took about 30 mintues to reach the house, which I was actually very impressed with. They were in the house for only about 10 minutes before they took her out and put her into the back of a van and were gone.

I went into the house at this time to be with my family. We were all very at peace and all had our highs and lows throughout the day. The rest of the morning and into the afternoon was spent mostly on the phone calling friends and family to let them know of the news.

I called my parents lifelong friends who had visited the week prior. I will say this again - they are amazing people. Even though I was able to express my feelings and have a lot of special moments with my family, they were able to really draw me in and make me feel special for everything that had happened. I don't have any other way to describe it.

I remember sitting on the couch with my dad, looking at the now empty bed where my mom had spent her last couple of weeks and asked him what we were going to do next. I was wondering if we were going to have a funeral or if we were going to scatter her ashes. I recalled how all growing up, my mom had always told me on a drive to the ocean that she wanted her ashes scattered in a particular place in a redwood grove. I remember this from my very early childhood before I really knew what she was talking about.

My dad said that mom didn't want a funeral or anybody gathering to be sad. She wanted people to remember her and not draw a bunch of attention to the fact that she had passed away. I asked him about scattering her ashes and he said that she had reconsidered her wishes over the past couple of years and was leaning more toward having her ashes scattered at the ocean, as they had spent many camping trips there over the past several years. Looking back, I wish I had said something, but I didn't. We were all kind of numb that day and I let it go, knowing I didn't want to ripple the waters.

Now, looking back, the next thing that happened, seemed really selfish on my part. I was scheduled to fly out to Las Vegas on Sunday afternoon (tomorrow) for a conference through work. I had been looking forward to it for months and was really struggling if I shoud still go or not. I finally made the decision that I would go and leave my dad and sister home to be by themselves. My theory was that my dad and sister were very close anyways and I was kind of an "outsider." I knew they would be able to console each other and that I would be able to take care of myself. I had been through a lot more in the past couple of months than I had ever been through and thought I deserved a break and needed to get away from everything.

My wife, daughter, and I left later that afternoon for our four hour drive home. I took my daughter with me to keep me company and my wife followed. It was a very good drive and I remember still feeling a lot more peace than I had felt in a long time. Yes, I cried every now and then, but for the most part, I think I was doing a lot better than I ever would have thought I would be.

Over the several months prior, we had been going to church on Sunday mornings. My wife and I thought it would be a good thing to just be around other positive people and just get a better outlook on life. We decided that we should go to church the next morning just to have some more positive influence in our lives. It was probably one of the most emotional services I had ever been to. The pastor mentioned that heaven had just received another angel and had a very emotional service about someone who had just passed away. It really touched me because the whole service could have been about my mom. I remember one of the songs that we sung and it just brought me and my wife to tears. I tried to hold it together, but it just touched me.

I spent the rest of that Sunday packing and getting ready to head to the airport for an early evening flight to Las Vegas. I was going by myself and was looking forward to unwinding for a week. On the airplane, I remember having a weird sense of peace come through me. We were flying over the mountains and into the Las Vegas valley and we were going through some pretty rough turbulence. I've flown a lot in my life and rarely ever get scared on a plane, but when it comes to turbulence, I usually get a little scared. Not this time. The peace that had gone through me put my mind in a different place and changed the way I was used to thinking. I remember thinking that if for some reason the plane went down, I would be just fine. It was weird to have that feeling within me and was even stranger to have a feeling of accepting the possibility of dying (although it wasn't a possibility at the time - it was just a few bumps - but you get the picture).

My dad and sister were doing a lot better than expected during the week I was gone. I called them at least twice a day to see how they were and to just check in. My dad was saying how surprised he was at how well he was doing and him and my sister both were clinging on to her newborn baby as a security blanket.

I actually had a pretty good time in Las Vegas - even for being by myself. I went to the conference every day and met with a friend from a class I had taken in Baltimore a couple of years prior. We spent one night drinking and catching up, but other than that, I had a very uneventful week.

The Early Days After

When I got back, thing started to sink in for me. I scheduled an appointment with my counselor to talk about what I had been through. I had been seeing her for a couple of months prior as my mom's health had been deteriorating. I remember seeing her a month prior and just lost it. I was scared and cried to her that I would never taste her famous cooking ever again. It was a really hard to come to the realization that I was losing my mom. This visit was different, though. I talked about the experience of being by my moms side as she was slipping away and told her that everything just felt right. I didn't cry and I was really at peace. She gave me a hug when I was done and that was the last time I saw her.

As time went on after my moms death, the family dynamics started to change as well. My sister and dad and I were still all very close, but my dad seemed to not be dealing with anything. I tried to get him on a program of having him manage the finances... something my mom really never showed him. I asked her a few times in the hospital about a few things, but she kept telling me she would deal with it later (where my sister and I get our procrastination from). I was finally able to get my dad into a routine and set him up with the online bill pay through his bank and he seemed to be fine.

Less than a month after my mom had passed away, we were having my daughter's fifth birthday party. My dad and sister drove over to see us and stayed the night before the party. Everything actually seemed pretty good. My dad and I had a few good talks and my sister seemed to be coping pretty well - besides the normal moments of crying and thinking about mom - something I'm sure we have all done after the loss of a loved one. The birthday party went well and I got to spend some good time with my dad and sister. They eventually took off from the party to drive back home. My sister needed to get back to her husband (who had to work that day) and my dad had things to do around the house.

A couple of weeks later, my sister got an offer to spend a weekend in a friends timeshare up in South Lake Tahoe and offered a room to us. My wife and I jumped on the chance and said we would be there. My sister and her husband and daughter drove up in the morning and my dad met me and my wife and daughter at my house to drive up with us. We drove up and my dad just seemed to be a little too good. It seemed that he wasn't dealing with anything at all and didn't really want to talk about my mom at all. I dismissed it and figured it would all come in time and that he would eventually come around.

My dad had been spending A LOT of time with a friend of his that my mom really never liked. I think I had met him once or twice, but figured that it was a good thing that he was at least spending time with someone. I had a deep seeded fear that he would turn to alcohol and drink himself through the grieving process. This is something that never really happened. Anyways, my dad laid out a huge schedule on his calendar for the next several months. On a negative side, however, he made it his new personal mantra to never say no to anybody. Something he had already had a hard time doing.

One of the first things on his calendar was an annual trip him and his friends used to take every year. Him and a few of his friends used to take an annual trip to Cabo San Lucas around November. My dad was not able to take this trip over the past couple of years because he had to take care of my mom. I was glad that he was finally able to book this trip this time because he needed to get away and unwind. So, he scheduled that trip for a week. I remember wanting to go with him and he said I could come along as well, but never got the feeling that he wanted me to come. He did mention that some of the other guys were bringing their sons, but never wholeheartedly extended the invitation to me.

Fortunately for both of us, my wife was still burned out on me being gone for so long taking care of my mother. She wanted me around the house more and we were also strained financially, we decided it wasn't the best thing for us to do and ended up staying home and saving the money.

Treading Water

Over the course of the next several months, it seemed I could barely keep my head above water. Here I was coming out of one of the hardest years of my life and I still felt like I was drowning. I had done some reading about grieving and the grieving process and got it narrowed down that a typical person mourns from anywhere from six months to 18 months.

I believe the whole experience had pulled my family closer together and had broke down some barriers that I really didn't pay any attention to before, but on the other hand, I started to see things I didn't like; particularly with my dad and sister. Many of these realizations had come about with a little help from my wife, who has a very keen sense of finding problems in just about anything. This isn't a negative thing, more, it is her way of paying attention to the minutest of detail.

It seemed as time went on, I thought I was doing okay, and other days, I wasn't. It was really frustrating deep down inside to know that I had lost my mom and nobody really acknowledged it. Sure, we all talked about her and had very fond memories of her, but there was never really any closure. I didn't know what to do. I remember one day going through a rough time and my wife asked me what was wrong. I told her that I was just having a tough time that day in dealing with my mom. Her reply was pretty shocking. She told me I just needed to get over it and that I needed to go to counseling! She was tired of being ignored over the past three years and that she had sacrificed so much of her life so I could take care of my mom and family, she wanted me back. She wanted me back to how I was before my mom got sick.

I'm not one to think quick on my toes, but if I were, I would have lashed out back at her for that comment. Even looking back on it now, I still think it was uncalled for. My wife is a type A+++ personality and I'm a type B-- personality. Opposites attract, right? Well, with her personality, she is always going and never has time to stop and smell the roses. She has high expectations of everybody around her; her parents, her brothers, our daughter, me, and mostly herself. Given this, I knew it was just her personality, but did I deserve to be talked to like this given my circumstances? I didn't think so at the time, but looking back even deeper, I'm sure I could have tried a little harder to acknowledge her and everything she had sacrificed during this difficult time.

Something that I think could have helped my family, as well as most people is acknowledging the deceased. As Americans, it seems that we don't have any value system in place to honor those that have left us. Other cultures around the world have a grieving process that is healthy and deals with the loss. Besides being a gluttonous, materialistic, and goal driven society, we don't take the time to honor those who are gone. I think it would help to look at other societies and cultures and learn from what they do to mourn and grieve their loved ones. Yes, it may be inconvenient, but it is healthy and productive. Having something like this may have helped me get through this time and have my wife be more understanding of just those "days" I was in a funk.

Needless to say, there were some internal struggles between my family, my wife, and I. I was the rock that stood up during my mothers final months and pulled out family together, but unfortunately, was not the rock at home to be there for my wife. Because of this, I think there was some resentment from my wife every time I mentioned something my family did or wanted to do.

My dads birthday and my parents anniversary were one day apart in January. I remember my sister wanting to get together the family and friends for a dinner in the city. It was scheduled for a Sunday night at an Italian restaurant at the end of the same weekend my wife was scheduled to go to the mountains to spend time with one of her best friends from high school. Because I would be at dinner on Sunday night with my family, my wife would be coming home to an empty house and would have to put my daughter to bed. My wife was not happy about this at all and forbid me from going to this dinner.

Why would she put her foot down on such a thing? I asked her and she said that it was stupid that my family was getting together for a dinner for my dads birthday. Why did she have the right to judge if it was right or wrong to have a birthday dinner? Her other reason was that I didn't tell her with enough notice that the dinner was happening. What did it matter? She was going to be gone anyway! Her argument was that she had a tough time giving our daughter a bath and putting her to bed. She was going to be tired after a weekend away in the mountains and didn't want to deal with it when she returned. To this day, I still have no idea why this was such a big deal!

We were on our way over to see my dad and sister and her family at my parents house one weekend when this topic got brought up again. My wife told me that there was no way she would let me go to this dinner. I told her it was very important for me and that I would be going. She then gave me an ultimatum that if I was going to go, she would be canceling her weekend with her girlfriends because she could not handle our daughter on Sunday evening. Well, that was not my favorite weekend, and my family saw some qualities in my wife they had never seen before. She treated me poorly and yelled at our daughter a lot and had no patience whatsoever. My dad and sister kept bringing up the subject of the dinner with my wife in the room and I said I couldn't make it. They said I had to come and there was no reason I couldn't come. My wife stepped in and said I was just too busy and that I couldn't make it. When we were going home, we had a vet appointment for our cats that afternoon. I remember we were running just about on time, if not a little late. I went outside to start up the car and it didn't start. We had a dead battery. My wife came unglued!!! She started yelling and created a huge unnecessary scene that my dad and sister still comment on today.

Getting back to the dinner... As the week approached for the dinner, my wifes friend called and canceled the weekend up in the mountains. I forget what it was about, but I think it was because of a snow storm or something and that they wouldn't be able to make it up. Because of this, my wife gave me the "go-ahead" to go to the dinner. To make a long story short, I made it to the dinner, had a GREAT time visiting friends of the family I hadn't seen in years, and my uncle, who I have only met a couple of times in my life. It was a night that I am very glad I was able to be a part of. Unfortunately, however, my wife still uses this dinner as ammunition any time my dad or sister want to do something. She still puts her foot down that their ideas are stupid or aren't communicated in time and that she is still mad that she had to cancel her weekend with her girlfriends and miss the weekend in the mountains. Wait a second? Didn't she say that the weekend was canceled earlier? She sure did... I don't even argue that point anymore - it's not worth it.

I know I got off track a little bit there, but thought I'd point out one of the many rough points we went through. On top of the stress of having just lost a parent, we were also facing some rough economic times with our house. Making headlines around the country was the fact that the long lasting housing bubble had finally popped. Many bad loans were given out by the banks and people could not afford to pay them, leading to records in foreclosures. We were caught in there somewhere. We did have a loan that it turns out we won't be able to afford when it goes from "interest only" to "principal and interest" in just over a year.

My wife, being the task oriented and goal driven person that she is, set out to work with the bank to see if they could adjust our mortgage or do something to help keep us from going through foreclosure. This was a very stressful time for her and I. I wasn't aware 100% of what was going on, but I did know that the news was always there talking about the problems. My wife had always handled the finances, and even did an excellent job in getting me out of debt when we moved in together after college.

Closer to the end

I have been neglecting making this next entry... I think it has been very therapeutic for me to write about my experiences, but it has also been very hard to revisit what I had gone through.

When I last left off, I was leaving the hospital to drive a couple hours back home to spend time with my family. I drove back and went to have dinner at a friends house, which was very nice. Our friends were very comforting and understanding of what I was going through. It was nice to bounce my thoughts and feelings off of a whole new set of faces.

I spent the weekend with my family and tried to have fun in whatever it was that we were doing. I think we had a birthday party to go to with my daughter, but that all just seems like a blur to me now.

The Beginning of the End

Well... It was nice having a few days to spend with my family, catch up a little at work, etc. It felt good to just take a break from feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.

After a couple of days at home, I started getting phone calls from my dad saying that my mom was starting to get very agitated in the hospital. She was starting to think that my dad and the hospice nurse were conspiring against her. She wanted to go home and thought she was being held at the hospital against her will. According to everything I was reading, this was probably pretty normal. One of the best and worst tools that the hospice nurse gave me was a book that explained the entire dying process. It explained the different stages and what to expect. It even narrowed down on what to look for in the hours prior to passing.

I was able to talk to the hospice nurse a couple of times and she suggested that we do not go against my moms wishes and start arranging to have her taken home. Personally, I didn't want this. I know it was my moms wishes, but I was being selfish in wanting her to stay in the hospital longer... Deep down I think I wanted her to stay there to maybe get better than she was. In the end, though, we finally decided to get my mom back home where she wanted to go. Because she was so frail an in bad shape, the doctors were able to get approval to have an ambulance transport her home so my dad didn't have to.

While everything was getting set up, I had the responsibility to start arranging to have some hospital equipment delivered to my parents house. I also had to meet the hospital equipment people there, which meant another road trip over to my parents house to get things set up prior to my mom getting there.

When I got to my parents house, I only had to wait about an hour or so before the van arrived with a hospital bed, oxygen machine, and a couple other pieces of equipment. I helped them set up the bed in the family room where her favorite chair had always been. This was especially important to everybody because this house is the one that my mom had grown up in. After both her parents had passed away, we remodeled it and moved in.

When my mom arrived, I helped get her situated and dug in my heels for the long haul. It was also this day that one of the other best blessings happened to me. My aunt said she was coming up to help with everything. This is my moms sister-in-law, who was married to my moms brother prior to him passing away; also as a victim to lung cancer.

We got settled in quite nicely and I was able to get my mom to actually eat some foods for the first time in over a month. I made her a vanilla milk shake and she drank about 2/3 of it! I was so proud of myself! We also gave her Coca-Cola, which she kept saying how good it tasted. I think the bubbles and coldness really raised her spirits. I can still picture and fell the warmth I had in seeing her be so happy over a simple thing! What a treat for me to finally be able to do for my mom what she had done for me over the years!

Of course, her eating was both a great thing for me to boost my spirits, but it was also one of the sings from the book the Hospice nurse had given to us that said that this was another sign of her immanent death approaching. I still kept my head held high, though, and continued on in my never ending task of what felt like taking over for my mom and holding the family together.


Reminder for next entry: Calls to hospital, dad, debi, mom demented, hospital discharge, hospice, etc...

It Was the Best of Times - It Was the Worst of Times

Picking up where I left off... My mom was in deteriorating condition and my sister was pregnant with her first kid.

I was at the state fair with my family - my wife, daughter, and mother-in-law. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were sitting in the food area eating an early lunch. I was thoroughly enjoying a huge cinnamon roll. It was one of the first treats I let myself have over the past six months (I was on a diet and losing a ton of weight). I remember getting the phone call from my mom. She said my dad was driving her down to the emergency room in the next town (the hospital in town would amputate an arm if there was a sliver in your pinkie).

She said she couldn't swallow anymore and was completely miserable. For my mom to get to the point that she was miserable enough to go to the hospital, it really must have been bad... I asked her if she wanted me to come over and she assured me she would be fine.

A couple hours later, I got a call from my dad. He said my mom was in for surgery. They were putting a scope down her throat and were going to try to stretch it out. We still don't 100% know what was going on, but I believe it was scar tissue from her radiation treatments that was growing and constricting her throat.

The doctor said that her throat had closed so small he was surprised she could even swallow a drop of water. I was able to talk to my mom later that day after she was done with her procedure. She was pretty out of it and couldn't talk very well, but said she felt much better and was excited to get some food in her. She was sitting in the car while my dad was in a grocery store getting some food for dinner for her.

As the days went by, my mom said she was doing much better, but she was very weak. She couldn't really talk on the phone much and assured me she was fine. I believed her.

I talked to my dad a couple days later and he said that mom couldn't get out of bed. He had to lift her out of bed several times to get up in the morning and she even resorted to just sleeping out in the chair in the family room.

I remember my dad calling me one Saturday morning while I was sitting in my family room playing video games. He said he was scared and didn't know what to do. It seemed that the anesthesia was still in her body and she wasn't gaining any of her energy back. He said that he couldn't get her lifted out of bed in time to make it to the restroom. It was the first time in my life I heard my dad break down and cry. We had talked several times over the past couple of years where he said he was scared and didn't know what to do, but this time was different. It seemed that this was real.

A few days went by and my dad was getting more and more scared. My usual routine was to call my parents on my way to work every morning. I would usually talk to my dad for a few minutes and then finish up with my mom. For the first time ever, my dad said that mom wasn't able to talk on the phone because her throat hurt and she was too weak. Everything was really starting to sink in with me now. This time really was different.

Now, I'm sure I'm leaving something out here because the next few weeks were a complete blur. My sister had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes a couple months prior and her baby was bigger than it should be. Because of this, she was scheduled for induced labor early to ensure her baby wasn't too big. It was September 4th.

My dad asked me if I could come up to his house before I met my sister in the hospital because he needed help getting my mom into the car. I knew I needed to do it, but was still in a little bit of denial, I think. As I started my drive, I remember brining a notebook with me. I decided that I needed to step up and be my moms advocate with her doctor now and start being very aggressive in her care. Between my sister having her baby and starting to help with my moms medical care, I knew I had a very tough time ahead of me.

As I left town, I remember getting stuck in traffic. I heard my dads disappointment in his voice when I said I wouldn't be able to make it in time to help him out. He said he understood and that he would just have to allow himself some extra time for loading my mom up into the car. At this point, he was able to borrow a wheelchair from one of his friends, so he had that on his side at least.

When I got to the hospital, I went up to see my sister. She was admitted the night before and wasn't having much progress. They gave her some medication, but her labor hadn't started yet. Because of everything going on with her, I couldn't tell her the shape mom was in. I didn't want to take away from her glory.

I got a call from my dad that they were pulling up to the hospital and that he needed me to meet him up front to pick my mom up with a hospital wheelchair. When he pulled up, I could tell that my mom wasn't quite as bad as I thought she would be... what a relief. She wasn't great, but wasn't good either.

My parents were fortunate enough to have a friend that had a time-share and let them stay in it that night, so at least they didn't have to drive for a couple of hours each way. That was the last thing she needed right now. After visiting in the hospital for a couple hours, we decided that we should go check into the time share for my parents. By this time, my wife and daughter had shown up to meet me, so we went and got a hotel room as well. We knew we were in for a long night.

At about 10:00pm, I got a call from my brother-in-law. He said that my sister was going to start pushing soon and that we should come down to the hospital. I was there in no time and my parents were there a few minutes later.

We waited out in the waiting room for about an hour before my brother-in-law came out and broke down crying, "It's a girl!" We were all in tears and ecstatic! I completely relived the moment I came out five years earlier saying the same thing to my parents! What a kick in the pants!

We had to hang out about 30 minutes or so until we could go back and see the new baby. I took my mom back in her wheelchair to meet her new granddaughter and my new niece. She was beautiful! It was probably the strongest I had seen my mom over the past several months. While she didn't get out of the wheelchair, she was able to hold her new granddaughter for a couple of minutes. For those few minutes, I think all of our worries were gone.

This is another moment that everything blurred together. I remember I had only been home for a couple of days from the hospital when my my mom back into the doctor or if I went home and got her back into the doctor a couple of days later... Either way - we got my mom in to get another CT Scan. Because her throat was getting tighter again and her appetite wasn't getting any better, I was really fighting for her at this point.

A couple days later, I got a call at work from the wife of parents lifelong friends. I grew up with these people and thought of them as my second set of parents. When I got the call, she told me that I needed to step up to the plate now and that my family really needed me. She prepared me to know that my mom was in very bad shape and that it wouldn't be easy to see her in the condition that she was in.

I remember I was able to take a couple of days off of work and drive over to help out my dad. I really went hard to work and did a lot. I made many doctors calls, ran errands, did grocery shopping, fed my mom milkshakes, talked to her, and did just about everything I thought I could do to help the situation. I remember my mom was on an appetite enhancing medication, but her appetite was still not there. I was able to talk the doctor into prescribing her the medication, "Merniol." This is the pharmaceutical equivalent to THC (Marijuana). We were all desperate and were pulling out all of the stops.

I think it was September 7th that my dad said my mom was in very bad shape and that he really needed help. I jumped in the car from work and started my drive over. I called my moms doctor and said that we were meeting at the office with my mom and that I was insisting that she get admitted to a hospital. She needed IV fluids and some desperate medical attention. I then asked the doctors assistant if she had gotten the results back yet from the CT scan from a couple of days prior. I'll never forget the answer. She was extremely nice and comforting, but at the same time, it was the 2nd worst phone call of my life (the first worst was the next one I would make). She told me that the cancer had spread and that her prognosis was terminal. There was nothing else they could do for her, treatment wise. She said that what we needed to do now as to make her comfortable as possible.

I remember talking to her and feeling so much pain, but relief at the same time. I hate to say it, but I was actually relieved that my mom wouldn't have to go through all of the torture she had gone through over the past three years. There is NO way I could picture myself being ever as strong as she was.

The next call was the worst call I have ever had to make. I called my dad and broke the news to him. It was surreal. I remember telling him that the cancer had spread and that we needed to focus on keeping her out of pain. He cried and I cried. I could tell that he was in another room and didn't want to let my mom know, who was probably sleeping. I told him that he needed to get her loaded into the car and meet me at her oncologists office. At the end of the call, I remember telling my dad that I loved him - it was the first time I ever remember saying it in my adult life.

A couple hours later, we met at the oncologist and my mom really looked bad. She couldn't even support the weight of her own head. She also had her hat off because she didn't like the way her wig felt on her. It was the first time ever that I had seen her bald. I've seen her with very short hair, but never bald. She had always sworn to me that she wouldn't let me see her bald. For her to be at this point, I knew it was really bad.

When we were seen by the oncologist, she said that she didn't realize how bad she was. There was some red tape in getting her admitted to the hospital, but in the long run, she was admitted very quickly.

Once we were in the hospital, I could see my mom's spirits rising. I helped with her admission. My dad and sister were there to help, but it was me with the knowledge and ability to quickly answer questions to get her into a room.

After what seemed like hours of health questions, etc., she was finally settled in to her room. Next on tap were blood work and IV fluids. Because of all the chemotherapy she had been through over the past several years, it proved to be a bit of a chore to get a vein that would work. After a little work by the hospital's best phlebotomist, she was giving blood and getting fluids. Even though she was miserable and very weak, I could see her energy almost immediately coming back.

Little side story... During this whole time, I was 2 1/2 hours from my family - my wife and daughter. My daughter had literally just started kindergarten and my wife had a job. My wife is a registered nurse... I understood that she had to work and my daughter had to be in school, but I was really missing both of them A LOT at this point... My relationship with my parents was always a little odd. I love them both, but I was never affectionate for some reason with them. The complete opposite is true for my relationship with my wife and daughter. Because of this, I was really in my own little world at this point in time - having to deal with all of the emotions that seemed near impossible to deal with at the time.

Ok - back to the rest of my story...

My mom's first night in the hospital was good. My dad and I were both relieved and glad that she could finally get the help that she needed and what my dad could not do for her at home. We both knew deep down inside that she was bad, but were both just glad to have gotten her into some good care.

I drove home with my dad that night. He wanted to go home - 2 hours away - to sleep in his own bed. I understood and went home with him. We had a good talk about how glad we were to get mom into a hospital and that my dad really did everything he could. It was a good drive. When we got to the house, my dad fed me dinner. He had made Chicken and Dumplings a couple days prior - just the comfort food we were both looking for at the time!

The next morning, we woke up at the crack of dawn and drove back down to the hospital. We walked in and said good morning to my mom. We had just missed her oncologist, who had just made his rounds. My mom seemed a little delirious and said we just missed the doctor and how nice of a guy he was. I was able to hunt him down and let him know that we were there. He called us into a private room. This was actually one of the most relieving and worst conversations I have ever had in my life.

It was in this room that the doctor told us that my moms condition was terminal and that all they could do now was treat her symptoms to make her comfortable. He recommended several options. One of which was to get a referral to hospice. Both my dad and I sobbed while he was telling us the news. It was another surreal moment that I never will forget.

After the conversation, we walked back in to see my mom. She was sleeping in her bed, but we sat besides her anyway. I just wanted to get as much time with her as I could. The next few things kind of blurred together as well... I called my sister to tell her to come down to the hospital... she had her two week old daughter, so it wasn't easy to get her down. I remember waiting for what seemed like hours before she got to the hospital, but I told her the news and that we needed to meet with the hospice nurse.

When we met with the hospice nurse, I remember this being another one of those memories that just kind of stuck with me... As I am writing this, it has been seven months, and bits and pieces keep coming back to me. I think my mind blocked out the most painful things so I could just go into survival mode. Anyway - back on track. In the room were my dad, my sister, brother-in-law, and my new niece.

The conversation was very hard to hear. The nurse was very up front with us and didn't candy coat anything. She gave us all of the stages of death and dying so we could understand what to expect over the next several weeks, months, or whatever it would take. We all cried, but had one piece of salvation in the room that seemed to kind of make things a little better - the new baby. I tell you - if weren't for my new little niece, I know I wouldn't have dealt as well, but I know for sure my sister wouldn't have nearly fared as well as she was.

After our meeting, we all went back to my moms room and talked to her in between naps. She really seemed to be doing very well. She had a good attitude - she was a little out of it, but had a good attitude, nonetheless. We spent the rest of the day between visiting my mom and my sister. My dad and I went to lunch at a local brewery, which was a good escape for us. At the end of the day, we left the hospital. I told my mom that I loved her. For some reason, my "tough guy" attitude had always prohibited me from saying that to her. I don't know where it came from, but I do know that I had always been ashamed of it. Once I spoke it, I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders.

At the end of the day, my dad and I went to my sisters house to have dinner. We drove down to a "roach coach" to pick up a burrito for dinner and ate it back at my sisters house. We were all starving and were all just a little "numb." My dad drove us home that night and we had another good talk. We woke up again the next morning to drive back down to see my mom in the hospital.

When we walked in to see my mom, she as laying there wide awake. We had just missed the doctor again, but she told us about the visit. As we sat there, she looked at me and my dad and said, "Doesn't look too good, does it?" I couldn't contain myself -I broke down crying as my mom did what she had always done best - she consoled me and my dad and said that we will all do just fine. She had always been the rock that just seemed to hold us together and spoke some very inspiring words that seemed to make everything just seem better.

The words she spoke have left me, but I remember getting a warm feeling around me when she spoke. It was the most comprehendable thing she had said in weeks. All I remember is that it made me feel better and that everything would be alright. I remember telling her that I just wanted her to be comfortable and that I would do anything I could.

The rest of the day, we met with hospice again and tried to get a game plan together. We needed to talk to my mom to find out what she wanted to do. Did she want to stay in the hospital or did she want to go home? We had the option of a facility next door for terminal people who couldn't survive a trip home. To me, that sounded the best. It took the burden off of us and left it in the hands of the hospital employees. I knew in the back of my head though, that my mom wanted to go home...

This rest was a very bittersweet day. I wanted to spend as much time with my mom as I could, but at the same time, in needed to take a break. I couldn't bear all of the responsibility myself. I needed to go back to my family and spend time with my wife and daughter.

After most of the day of spending time, I decided it was time to say goodbye and go home. Again, I kissed my mom and told her I loved her and left. It was a very numb ride home. My wife had arranged to have dinner at a family friend's house. I really just wanted to see my own family and not spend time with anybody else, but I also thought it would be a good distraction to take my mind off of things.

I spent the next several days at home with my family. I had also taken several days off from work over the past week or two and I desperately needed to go back to work to get some things taken care of.

OK - that's enough for now. I'll pick up later on this to give myself some time to rest and reflect.

My life - the rollercoaster

To tell the truth, I think my life has been probably more or less worse than I ever could have imagined it ever being over the past few years. Just over three years ago, everything seemed to be going perfectly. My wife and daughter had just purchased our dream home on a cul-de-sac that we pictured ourselves living in for the rest of our lives. It was pretty much a bit of a fixer upper as its previous owners went through a divorce and the wife and teenage daughters were left to take care of the house on their own... and have their own makeshift animal rescue. Needless to say, we had A LOT of cleaning/maintenance to do before we could kick back and enjoy the house.

About four or five months later, when things seemed to be going perfectly, I got a phone call from my parents. They had just gotten back from a cruise and my mom was going to the doctor because she had been coughing up blood over the past couple of weeks. They didn't want to tell me before they went on the cruise, in fear of scaring me. Well, she did go to the doctor and my worst fears ever were reality. She had a chest x-ray taken, which showed she had some masses in her lungs. She was scheduled for a lung biopsy and went in for surgery within the next week.

About a week later, my fears were confirmed. She had non-small cell carcinoma. My parents live in a rural county in Northern California that has mediocre health care to say the least. To make matters worse than they already are, my parents are of the generation that does whatever the doctor says and doesn't question it.

My mom's initial oncologist told her that there wasn't much they could do as far as treatment and that she didn't have much more than a year to live. I was in a panic to say the least. Myself, living in a large city with a cancer center and university hospital, wasn't going to take this news lying down. My wife, being a registered nurse, also was on board with helping me in making sure we did due diligence in researching our options.

To make a long and painful story short, we found that the cancer center where we live, was able to take her in for an evaluation. My parents came over and I went to the initial appointment with the oncologist. The oncologist was very optimistic and said that there were treatment options available that would either slow down the cancer's growth or eliminate it altogether.

She would be required to have radiation therapy Monday through Friday and chemotherapy once a week. Since they lived four hours away, the only available option was for them to move in with us during treatment. I was excited and proud to be able to provide a place for my parents to stay while my mom went through her cancer treatment. How many people get to provide such a generous and nice gift to their parents? I was very proud and excited (despite the circumstances) to say the least.

Well, I was excited to have them with us, despite the circumstances. All I can remember was the attitude my mom had through the whole ordeal. She was a trooper and took this whole thing on head-on. She knew she had a battle in front of her, but she was up to tackle it.

Looking back on it, it was only a couple of months of aggressive treatment and after that, they only needed to come over once every week or two for chemotherapy. I can clearly remember them coming over for my moms birthday on June 27th and my sister had made the cake. It was a yellow round cake with a triangle cut out of it to make it look like Pac Man. There were several yellow cupcakes laid out in front of the cake that Pac Man was eating - just like in the video game. You see - my mom's mantra was that the chemotherapy was like Pac Man eating all of the bad cancer cells in her body. That was just how her attitude was... always optimistic about everything.

Looking back at one of my other blogs, I saw that within two or three months into her treatment, my mom had only lost 12 pounds and her hair had just started to fall out in little clumps on her 58th birthday. Yes - she was young...

Well, the months went by and my mom seemed to be doing great! We were all optimistic about her treatment and prognosis. Her doctor at the cancer center was great and very encouraging with every visit. She kept getting MRI's, CT and PET Scans to see how the cancer was doing. Every result was better than the last. It was actually shrinking and stabilizing!!! We were all very ecstatic!

About a year into treatment, though, we got some very discouraging news about her cancer. One of her last scans showed that the cancer had spread into her thigh bone. This is where things get really fuzzy for me. I remember for the several months prior to this, she was having a lot of pain in her thigh and was to the point where she could barely walk anymore. She was still being treated by her oncologist at the cancer center, but was assured that the pain was muscles and that there was nothing really to worry about.

Because they were sick and tired of doing all of the driving back and forth, my mom and dad decided it would be better for them to try a cancer center in another town that was closer to them. They were very happy with the doctor and his aggressive attitude and willingness to try new treatments that her previous oncologist didn't want to try. It was this doctor that did a full body scan and found that the pain in my moms leg was actually bone cancer.

He put her on a new chemotherapy drug, more radiation, and bone building medications. My mom, being the family rock, didn't even get phased by this. I was pretty devastated to say the least. My mom, however, kept tugging along with her usual great attitude!

A couple of months later, after her leg was doing better, we got hit with another blow. It seems that the cancer had spread to her brain. The doctor was very optimistic about this as well and changed treatment plans and moved forward with brain radiation. He said that it was small enough that it was still very treatable.

Now, I don't know if this was how my mom really was or if she was still being the family rock. The only time I ever saw or heard her cry was the first day she told me she had cancer. I started crying on the phone and she started to cry as well.

To go back a little bit in history, this whole ordeal is really scary for me. You see, my grandpa - my moms dad - died of lung cancer. My uncle - my moms brother - died of lung cancer. Oh - one more thing - about six months prior to her diagnosis, my dad had just finished up his treatment of prostate cancer. Not only is this a huge wakeup call for me, but it is pretty scary to know that my chances of having cancer are actually pretty high.

OK - I digressed a little... One or two days after Christmas 2006, my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant! She had been married for a couple of years and was taking her time in starting her family. Needless to say, my mom was very excited! Although she already had a grandchild from me, I think it was a little different for her daughter to be having a kid. With all of the stuff my mom had been through, this was a very welcome surprise!

Several months later was my moms 60th birthday. It was a huge milestone for her. I remember her talking years ago that she was dreading her 60th birthday, so I reassured her on her birthday that it was "just another day." She responded by saying that she is just glad that she was able to make it to her 60th birthday. That really put things in perspective for me...

As the summer progressed and my sister got more and more pregnant, my mom started to lose a lot of weight. She had all but lost her appetite and was starting to become weaker and weaker. She had a lump in her throat that seemed to hurt or bother her when she did eat.

Because my parents live so far away, it isn't very often that we got to go over and see them, so it had been over a month since I had seen my mom when we went to our annual vacation to the Russian River for a few days. I remember pulling up and seeing my mom sitting in her camp chair by their travel trailer and she looked like she had shrunk to nothing. She was the smallest and skinniest I had ever seen her. It really took the wind out of me.

She wasn't strong enough the whole time we were at the river to come down to sit in the sun with us, so I tried my hardest to go up and see her as often as I could. It was hard to balance both families (my wifes family was there as well). It was also hard for me to see my mom without her hair - she had lost almost all of it and it was starting to slowly grow back, so it looked like she got a very close haircut.

We got through the few days at the Russian River and went back about our business. Around a month later was my sisters baby shower. I pulled up to my sisters house and saw my mom walking in. I didn't recognize her. She looked at us and waved and I was frozen in the car. It pains me to even think about what I saw while writing this. This was real. She was deteriorating and there was nothing I could do about it. I even remember getting out of the car and giving her a hug. She was all skin and bones, but still had that ever present rock-solid attitude that nothing was wrong.

That's enough for this post... I'll come back later to pick up where I left off.

First Things First

Ok - It's been a while since I've done the whole blogging thing, but I thought it was time to start writing to get some stuff out there that has been bottled up inside of me lately.

I have a couple other blogs out there that I doubt anybody has ever or even cares to ever see. I started focusing mainly on posting my random thoughts just because I thought it was cool to be posting something on the internet and then I proceeded to write about my family and recent pictures I had taken.

Now, it has been a couple of years (more or less) since my last blog entry and I am hoping I am up and ready to start posting some relevant things.

Where do I start though? I've always enjoyed writing - heck, I even got an A+ in my creative writing class. The teacher encouraged me to pursue a writing career even though I had no desire to do so. I think I can write very good non-fiction with a little twist. My creative juices were completely stripped from me when my little sister was born. She is the artist in the family that has all of the outstanding ideas and creative juices that just seem to ooze out of her.

OK - I've got my mind made up on where I'll be starting... it won't be easy, but I think it is something I need to do for myself.