My life - the rollercoaster

To tell the truth, I think my life has been probably more or less worse than I ever could have imagined it ever being over the past few years. Just over three years ago, everything seemed to be going perfectly. My wife and daughter had just purchased our dream home on a cul-de-sac that we pictured ourselves living in for the rest of our lives. It was pretty much a bit of a fixer upper as its previous owners went through a divorce and the wife and teenage daughters were left to take care of the house on their own... and have their own makeshift animal rescue. Needless to say, we had A LOT of cleaning/maintenance to do before we could kick back and enjoy the house.

About four or five months later, when things seemed to be going perfectly, I got a phone call from my parents. They had just gotten back from a cruise and my mom was going to the doctor because she had been coughing up blood over the past couple of weeks. They didn't want to tell me before they went on the cruise, in fear of scaring me. Well, she did go to the doctor and my worst fears ever were reality. She had a chest x-ray taken, which showed she had some masses in her lungs. She was scheduled for a lung biopsy and went in for surgery within the next week.

About a week later, my fears were confirmed. She had non-small cell carcinoma. My parents live in a rural county in Northern California that has mediocre health care to say the least. To make matters worse than they already are, my parents are of the generation that does whatever the doctor says and doesn't question it.

My mom's initial oncologist told her that there wasn't much they could do as far as treatment and that she didn't have much more than a year to live. I was in a panic to say the least. Myself, living in a large city with a cancer center and university hospital, wasn't going to take this news lying down. My wife, being a registered nurse, also was on board with helping me in making sure we did due diligence in researching our options.

To make a long and painful story short, we found that the cancer center where we live, was able to take her in for an evaluation. My parents came over and I went to the initial appointment with the oncologist. The oncologist was very optimistic and said that there were treatment options available that would either slow down the cancer's growth or eliminate it altogether.

She would be required to have radiation therapy Monday through Friday and chemotherapy once a week. Since they lived four hours away, the only available option was for them to move in with us during treatment. I was excited and proud to be able to provide a place for my parents to stay while my mom went through her cancer treatment. How many people get to provide such a generous and nice gift to their parents? I was very proud and excited (despite the circumstances) to say the least.

Well, I was excited to have them with us, despite the circumstances. All I can remember was the attitude my mom had through the whole ordeal. She was a trooper and took this whole thing on head-on. She knew she had a battle in front of her, but she was up to tackle it.

Looking back on it, it was only a couple of months of aggressive treatment and after that, they only needed to come over once every week or two for chemotherapy. I can clearly remember them coming over for my moms birthday on June 27th and my sister had made the cake. It was a yellow round cake with a triangle cut out of it to make it look like Pac Man. There were several yellow cupcakes laid out in front of the cake that Pac Man was eating - just like in the video game. You see - my mom's mantra was that the chemotherapy was like Pac Man eating all of the bad cancer cells in her body. That was just how her attitude was... always optimistic about everything.

Looking back at one of my other blogs, I saw that within two or three months into her treatment, my mom had only lost 12 pounds and her hair had just started to fall out in little clumps on her 58th birthday. Yes - she was young...

Well, the months went by and my mom seemed to be doing great! We were all optimistic about her treatment and prognosis. Her doctor at the cancer center was great and very encouraging with every visit. She kept getting MRI's, CT and PET Scans to see how the cancer was doing. Every result was better than the last. It was actually shrinking and stabilizing!!! We were all very ecstatic!

About a year into treatment, though, we got some very discouraging news about her cancer. One of her last scans showed that the cancer had spread into her thigh bone. This is where things get really fuzzy for me. I remember for the several months prior to this, she was having a lot of pain in her thigh and was to the point where she could barely walk anymore. She was still being treated by her oncologist at the cancer center, but was assured that the pain was muscles and that there was nothing really to worry about.

Because they were sick and tired of doing all of the driving back and forth, my mom and dad decided it would be better for them to try a cancer center in another town that was closer to them. They were very happy with the doctor and his aggressive attitude and willingness to try new treatments that her previous oncologist didn't want to try. It was this doctor that did a full body scan and found that the pain in my moms leg was actually bone cancer.

He put her on a new chemotherapy drug, more radiation, and bone building medications. My mom, being the family rock, didn't even get phased by this. I was pretty devastated to say the least. My mom, however, kept tugging along with her usual great attitude!

A couple of months later, after her leg was doing better, we got hit with another blow. It seems that the cancer had spread to her brain. The doctor was very optimistic about this as well and changed treatment plans and moved forward with brain radiation. He said that it was small enough that it was still very treatable.

Now, I don't know if this was how my mom really was or if she was still being the family rock. The only time I ever saw or heard her cry was the first day she told me she had cancer. I started crying on the phone and she started to cry as well.

To go back a little bit in history, this whole ordeal is really scary for me. You see, my grandpa - my moms dad - died of lung cancer. My uncle - my moms brother - died of lung cancer. Oh - one more thing - about six months prior to her diagnosis, my dad had just finished up his treatment of prostate cancer. Not only is this a huge wakeup call for me, but it is pretty scary to know that my chances of having cancer are actually pretty high.

OK - I digressed a little... One or two days after Christmas 2006, my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant! She had been married for a couple of years and was taking her time in starting her family. Needless to say, my mom was very excited! Although she already had a grandchild from me, I think it was a little different for her daughter to be having a kid. With all of the stuff my mom had been through, this was a very welcome surprise!

Several months later was my moms 60th birthday. It was a huge milestone for her. I remember her talking years ago that she was dreading her 60th birthday, so I reassured her on her birthday that it was "just another day." She responded by saying that she is just glad that she was able to make it to her 60th birthday. That really put things in perspective for me...

As the summer progressed and my sister got more and more pregnant, my mom started to lose a lot of weight. She had all but lost her appetite and was starting to become weaker and weaker. She had a lump in her throat that seemed to hurt or bother her when she did eat.

Because my parents live so far away, it isn't very often that we got to go over and see them, so it had been over a month since I had seen my mom when we went to our annual vacation to the Russian River for a few days. I remember pulling up and seeing my mom sitting in her camp chair by their travel trailer and she looked like she had shrunk to nothing. She was the smallest and skinniest I had ever seen her. It really took the wind out of me.

She wasn't strong enough the whole time we were at the river to come down to sit in the sun with us, so I tried my hardest to go up and see her as often as I could. It was hard to balance both families (my wifes family was there as well). It was also hard for me to see my mom without her hair - she had lost almost all of it and it was starting to slowly grow back, so it looked like she got a very close haircut.

We got through the few days at the Russian River and went back about our business. Around a month later was my sisters baby shower. I pulled up to my sisters house and saw my mom walking in. I didn't recognize her. She looked at us and waved and I was frozen in the car. It pains me to even think about what I saw while writing this. This was real. She was deteriorating and there was nothing I could do about it. I even remember getting out of the car and giving her a hug. She was all skin and bones, but still had that ever present rock-solid attitude that nothing was wrong.

That's enough for this post... I'll come back later to pick up where I left off.